well, the “almost” winter update post… Continue reading
-bda-, abuse, acab, arts, arts & crafts, blog, books, cancer, Capicorn, cats, comics, criminality, DIY, e-begging, ftp, fund raising, handouts, health, homelessness, illness, injury, medical torture, nonconformity, police brutality, precarity, prison, resistance, revolt, survival, violence, words
I’ve always been somewhat of an anti-authoritarian. I was always more of a non-conformist in many aspects. I took the advance classes with the rest of the nerds, spent a lot of time playing video games and boardgames, hung out with the skaters and the punks, partied with the metalheads, the rockers, the hippies, and I even played in some of their bands.
I went to college cause why the fuck not, it’s just debt… after three years and as many different programs, I was abducted from my apartment by police and taken to a medical facility where I was tortured for several weeks before being sent to jail. I’ve pondered over the details so many times already, I’m not sure it’s even worth trying describing it anymore.
I have no clue who my real parents are. I’ve been told too many lies already.
In the late 90s, while I was in college and holding a steady job, I was taken to a psychiatric hospital to be medically tortured, physically, and psychologically through a process I’ve come to understand as gaslighting. I can only assume it was as a result of political and social profiling. Or so the official story goes: my legal guardian at the time having been convinced by an ultra-religious uncle, who decided after having had only a short conversation with me in who knows how many years, and that’s about it, that I was into demons and hard drugs or some shit, and that this was the best course of action to deal with it.
And then of course, after that, everyone is just doing their jobs.
From time to time whenever they felt like it, they would give me some loose, sometimes just a little. I was even allowed to leave, sometimes, by one doctor only for another to have me brought back if I did, and then punished for escaping. After the long weeks spent strapped to tables or locked up in padded rooms, drugged, deceived at every turn and manipulated, mindfucked… I escaped several times, I guess. Police were never far behind to bring me back either way though, whether I fled or was let go.
I was eventually sent to jail for violence against one of my captors. Basically, for refusing to consent to their treatments and diagnosis. For several weeks then, I was moved to a different cage. I was found not guilty of whatever it was they conjured up and ordered never to go near that place again. No one wants to hear about this, that’s the story: it didn’t happen, it can’t be real. I need help, I need meds, I need to get over it, no one wants to hear about this. I’m just lying anyway you’re probably thinking. In any case, it just follows the same “there’s nothing to be done about it” from referral to referral and back again to some different uncivil servant only interested in which box to check and where to stamp the rubber.
The story goes on past the time living the streets, the years then spent being a hostage to street gangs (cause where the fuck did you expect me to end up?), defrauded, beaten and under constant harassment by both them and law enforcement thugs, skipping over other ordeals I’d rather not go into right now, and the mundane employments, the community service work, the back to school schtick, the injuries and illnesses, accidents and personal conflicts, bullshit jobs, bullshit bosses, bullshit bullshiters, to the cancer that signalled my definite retirement from the “job” market just a couple years back now.
I am unable to maintain any sort of stable occupation, again. I never was. I have nothing but contempt for this world of fascist for-profit existence. Because I have to, I live on the credit cards which I managed to get while being a student at university, with these days a deficit of around 500$ each month being as low as I allow myself. My medical situation barely allows me beyond basic welfare support, which by itself doesn’t even cover food, shelter and utilities. Without that credit, if and once they take it away, the streets, with everything that entails, is soon to be the next stop. Going by how things are now I’d expect in a couple years at most. Either jail or the morgue follows, it’s practically unavoidable. Too many triggers.
A total of at least an extra 1300$ a month would be needed to cover minimum living expenses, and all the prescriptions and therapies for which I obviously and of course don’t qualify for coverage for.
Donations of 15$ or more would get you a hand-bound notebook if you so desired, blank or with your suggested content printed inside, simply email firstname.lastname@example.org with your details first. Once the initial production models are used up however, I plan to raise the minimum to 25$. A few of the newer books, made of new paper (blank on both sides for double the usable pages) and natural wool, are already available. Donations over 10$ give you the option of ordering a Capicorn, or any other available -bda-, for free. Again, please provide with details by email or message first. Feel free to ask any question you may have, start up a chat, send dick pics and such.
Similar gifts will be offered to those who offer monthly support through patreon (soon-ish)
These past few weeks haven’t been very productive book wise, but now that all the medicals are over with (at least until the next ones, which aren’t that far away sadly) things are moving along better. Turned out I’d forgotten my good needle and the materials for the covers. Dropped by a store after the last appointment, and the “toned tan” sketch paper I found there is actually better than the one I was using back home. The color is closer to the brown of the spine’s cardboard, and gives them a nicer look than the beige pages. Although in any case both are fine.
I’ll keep using the new ones for now, until I get back home, but then I’ll save them for the books I’ll make with new paper, as in blank on both sides which basically means double the pages once they’re cut along the folds. As of typing this I have 13 of them completed, another one only missing the finishing touches, and another one still in the early stages ready to start threading which I’ll probably do on the road. I should be back home either tomorrow or the day after, by the weekend at the latest. I’ll take a break from that once those are finished, making it a total of 15 so far if I include the cruder first models, and excluding the half-dozen or so already given out.
Not much else to say for now. This place is nice to visit, I’d certainly wouldn’t want to stay anywhere else when I have to come down here for these checkups etc. I try and be the best guest that I can, which isn’t that hard, seeing as my hosts are so awesome. The cat still isn’t a big fan of going outside though he loves looking out those windows, and I haven’t tried letting him out again. He often lays near the door but just walks away disinterested whenever anybody goes in or out.
He really seems more affectionate out here this time around. Still sleeps as much, but way more playful and cuddly the rest of the time. If I’d had recorded me petting and brushing him since I got here last week, I’m sure I’d have at least 4-5 continuous hours of footage. This place is bigger than the apartment, and he’s not that used to having other people around. It’s kinda fun, he follows me around almost if not all the time, coming to sit next to wherever I happen to be :)
Spotted this little buddy strolling around in the yard. Shinning bright and intense red under the noon sun, it contrasted so much with the lawn that I saw it walking along from several feet away. So tiny! I thought for a second there I was seeing a dead pixel IRL :D
Managed to capture it here going across a patch of mud, after rushing back in to get the camera. I’ve seen those before, recognized it once I got a closeup look. A little chigger. Cute, but not at all friendly, not at all a fun guest to have around, and another great reason to avoid letting the cat out- although he did get all his shots and usual preventives against that shit.
New feather creature to hunt thanks to anonymous contributor referred to as “mom” for practical purposes only. In a totally not unrelated manner, three blank books have already been distributed and more are already prepared for assembly. New needles and crochet sticks were also purchased at an undisclosed location, and will be put to good use in the following weeks to come.
Twitter is fixed up. Saying I never use it wouldn’t be so far from the truth, so I unfollowed everything and added 4n. I didn’t nuke the tweets this time.
Refreshed to the youtube channel. but I’m not done adding videos from these few other channels I contributed too. I’m lazy, and its fuck all utter bullocks, randomly fucked nonsense of no interest. I might just grab those with more than a couple k views and add them to the yet de-unlisted list… channel looks fine as is, but I’ll get to it soon since it’s annoying me and I’m in a logging mood recently. It’s not like I’m getting much of any feedback about it anyway so wtf. I have more interesting things to do.
I’ve tried to look over some of the rant videos from when I actually did those, from when I got all the subs mostly. Nothing worth the time honestly. All around or less than 100 views, one video response to another tuber that hit over 11k, and not much or any constructive or positive engagement to show for on any of those. We’d have to twist my arm pretty hard to get me to look more into that shit, in strictly sincere speak, seriously. It can be summed up with “mostly randomly constructed discourse of varying decontextualized sentences”.
I have a better idea.
Here are some pictures from the latest cat fishing expedition.
4n really likes to hunt these things.
This one is a bit of a dud. I was about to start another one, guess that’ll wait after I write this. Changed it a bit trying to be more efficient, adding a little loop for hanging cause why not. The loose parts are too tight and the tight spots aren’t tight enough so the spine doesn’t quite hold like I’d like it to. It’ll stay together just fine though, the difference is barely noticeable.
I’ve also worked out a proper setup so I won’t have to use staples to temporarily hold the pages together while I punch the holes. I didn’t even remove them in this one oops, it could set off metal detectors.
And I might need to put a label on them warning it’s possible for them to contain cat hair.
I’ve got a selection of articles and texts from anarchist writers I’m going to be printing out, some illustrated, some posters. Just binding blanks for now out of paper from the recycling bin :D
Someone borrowed my printer and I’m only getting it back next weekend, so I have the whole week to figure out what else to make. I’d like to have at least half a dozen books to assemble for the end of the month, when I’ll have to go out of town for medical appointments again.
It’s pretty much the same process I’ll be using for the mini-books that come with some of the -bda-, except those are cut to about a third the height. It’s simple to get the hang of. Having a crochet needle helps (I need to get a new one of those). Right now I’m just using a small engineer’s screwdriver to push the yarn around and make the knots.
I’d love to hear suggestions on what to print out for more of these. Preferably between 40 and 80 pages, a manageable size for now. I’ve got three lined up so far but I’m not telling :P I’d rather hear what whoever reads this might have to say. It doesn’t really matter if I’ve read it already or not.
I spent a long time pondering over exactly how to organize the various things I wanted to have on my arts blog, from painting, sketches, drawings and digital constructs, furniture, designs, texts, texts set to music, videos about music… stories, songs, images, and poems for people places and sometimes even for things that don’t exist, or that do, or that sometimes one then the other… It’s a bit of a mess, there’s a lot of overlap, but the runes are a good place to start saddled in riding a fine line between sci-fi fantasy and reality, not entirely fiction yet not at all made up.
I’m working on a general introduction page for the specifics on the types of xenography and lore used in the rune carvings involved in most of the works I’m referring to here. What they are, where they’re from, how they work and stuff like that. I’ll post the link to it somewhere over here once I’m done, maybe. It won’t be till a while though as I’m not currently done with the mundane cards and little booklets which will be included with each signed piece (and which have in them a glossary of sorts along with parts of said general introduction… ), and shouldn’t be for a couple months still, mostly. Sometime before the next year I guess. I’ll slowly have a few here and there ready as time goes.
I have enough entries to get it rolling even despite that, mostly from the “Shapes” collection, the -bda- series, and a few odds and ends in between. Going over these entries and building up the visual arts section of the blog and website, that’s pretty much what’s lined up for the next couple of weeks, and more. Plus there’s always that unexpected to prepare. For, to prepare for.
Speaking of which. There’s also a special project that’s near completion. It’s basically at the final stage, waiting on the ressource logistics related stuff to move forward with production and distribution… (there’s a working model in my kitchen, shhh). Having a useable image of that one finally assembled is basically what’s holding me back on a couple of things.
(SPOILER: it’s an air-freshener device)
That special project should be done before the end of this summer, and I should be able to set up the page using the prototype long before then. By then I also should have the dozen or so already planned out items either ready or missing minor details for completion. It’s hard to be more precise when there’s such a variety of factors to deal with… hand painted one-time pieces don’t require the same attention, and because their card-certificate and manual won’t need to be itself replicated unlike the digital and print variety, they don’t get elaborated in the same way.
All these things need to be hand written, hand bound and signed.
So enough with the chatter and distractions… other entries in the rune section of the arts catalogue won’t get this much of a fluffed up intro, if at all, as in meaning it’ll probably be much more brief once all that other stuff is out of the way…
If you read this far might as well keep going before looking at the piece’s write up. Seems like it’s part of the recommended intake, what’s coming up next. It’s been designed to provide soft entertainment while your monitor refreshes, and research has proven it to be effective in improving satisfaction when consumed prior to consultation.
The following is a dramatic reconstruction based on the testimony of one satisfied customer who installed Capicorn on a tile leading up to the entrance of their house.
Details have been changed to protect the ignorant.
The impossible doesn’t happen, otherwise it would be possible.
The following material contains content matter of a graphic nature, reader discretion is advised. Like, seriously… stick to the mundane facts and look over some less elaborate – more sober – entries. This one here in French, the digital-guin (penciled actually), has been available for a while by now: it’s something yellow that hangs in the bathroom, and that’s all you need to know. All those in the “Shapes“ collection are also usually much lighter on the brain and should be ready for browsing soon.
I’ve debated over this enough already, Capicorn is the better frontrunner on this one. There’s nothing else like them.
(Shh… it’s starting.)
-“Jesus fucking Christ Alllmighty son of eh… Marie Mother of God Sweet fucking Mercy what the Hell is going on!!”
A tallish person in a suit, holding a briefcase in the left hand and some kind of pamphlet in the other, is standing as if frozen mid-stride on the side of a road near an opening in some bushes where a small path laid in stone bricks leads up to a house on a foresty hill. Someone comes in from somewhere behind the trees, holding a gardening shovel in one of their gloved hands, their face in a deep shadow cast by the large straw hat shielding them from the bright morning sun rising over the horizon behind. They walk along the path and stop to stand besides the paralyzed pedestrian.
-“Oh, hi there. Beautiful day isn’t it?”
-“Beautiful day!? Wtf is this? I can’t move, like at all! except to talk, apparently…”
-“Are you stuck there? You don’t seem to be moving at all.”
-“Do you know who you are?”
-“What does that even mean? Holy Shit Hell! What’s going on? Of course I know who I am, what the bloody fucking hell? Look at me! I’m frozen mid step. I can’t move! (except to talk, for some strange reason) Anymore helpful questions?”
-“Yes, possibly. Do you remember where you were going, or what you’re doing here?”
-“What I’m doing here?! Are you kidding? I’m stuck here! I was walking along, going up this road, and here I am now in full rigor. As stiff as a board and somehow managing to stay upright. I can’t even blink! It doesn’t even feel like I’m breathing anymore either. Planted here like a statue staring at that stone in the ground. That’s what I’m doing. That and wanting to not be stuck like this anymore so I can get away from here. That feeling is getting stronger by the minute and you’re not helping.”
-“You don’t say.”
-“Hold on, this won’t hurt one bit.”
(gently pokes the trapped victim in the shoulder with the end of the shovel)
-“wha… Oh. Wow. Blessed be the Lord that feels good! phew… Ok, thanks but ho… wwhawwddd di … ddd .owwWWWWAAARAFPHGAGAGGAARRRGG!\!!$\%%#!%!#!&&%*”
(collapses on the ground both hands clawing frantically their head at the temples, obviously in great pain)
-“Oh, right, that part. I always forget about that part. I don’t know why it does that.”
-“Anyway, looks like it’s over now. You’ll be fine. Say, you wouldn’t mind telling me which eye that was? Which side you felt that pain in, would you? That’d be very helpful, thanks.”
Small booklets, papers and pamphlets fly everywhere as the briefcase hits the ground and opens after its owner jerks up, wildly flings it away and runs.
And that’s why it’s hard to keep reliably accurate statistics on these things.
Here’s a look at some other pieces I’m working on a page for:
Not sure which one I’ll finish editing next, this should be in a couple of days I guess. I’ll publish the pages as they get done, and update them as the cards and booklets get finalized. I’ll hit the blog again by this time next week to sum up where things are at overall, after which I might not get the opportunity to post for a bit…
… already feels like July is just around the corner.
Going to be adding a bunch a pages over the next few weeks, mostly to have a section for my drawings, paints, graphics, photos and that kind of thing. I’ve already worked out several entries but I didn’t want to put up anything just yet until I was done with a few projects. It used up a lot of time specially over the last week… I’ll have a post for this particular request piece which occupied so much of my attention. I would have started with that however… couple weeks backs, before the production rush and little trip it required, something happened that had been promised by the landlords almost a decade ago !!!
At long last the floor has been replaced. No more stinky carpets. I can finally set this box up the way I like and it actually looks nice. Obviously the tree didn’t quite fit, I had to work around that. And the assembling instructions didn’t cover the sawing the thing in half part so I had to improvise.
Next up, giant poster frames of Léonard to hang in between the shelves and the cat elevator, over the smaller one that’s up there right now, which I’ll lower a bit.
I’ve already picked a short list for which ones to use for that.
(before his coller got really HUGE!)
and maybe some minis of the many adorably cute poses he offers up all the time… so many!
(and this one here in medium for the wall left of the refrigerator)
While I’m at it, might as well, did photos of the rest of the place so if ever that’s a thing you can analyse the shit out of how I fill up where I spend like over 99.93851, up to 99.98351% – the math is made up so it doesn’t matter – of my time when I’m not having to be somewhere else, and how I decorate said place, at your leisure and convenience, supposing, I guess, if that’s a thing.
Behind the sink and fridge there’s the bathroom, and behind that a storage locker with the fuse box and stuff like that. On the left of that little hallway to the side there’s closet space all the way back and to the wall where the exit is.
… it took some time to write this all up since I needed to wait to be entirely done with the whole room. Made sense to combine all these things into one post, makes a mean screensaver, looks awesome – if a bit with a creepy surreal feel, seeing it from in here and all, looking at the picture on the screen showing the room same as I’m seeing it with my eyes… half expecting to turn around and see myself staring back at me.
“Hi! Watcha doin?”